Morning Realizations

I had a realization this morning… mid-sleep.

That perhaps where I am now; friendless…is a manifestation of what is meant to be – that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

All my life I’ve felt A L O N E;

                                                     Like no matter how BIG my circle of friends got,

how strong my bonds were – I always felt alone & disconnected.

I knew this would always be my fate.  

DEEP DOWN I could never shake the feeling of “One-ness” that plagued me. Perhaps I even wished it to  some extent…and despite whatever sadness & desire I have with wanting friendships –

The truth is I’m better alone. It’s comfortable & quiet.

This too is exactly while I’m single.

Why I NEVER want to marry or at least am afraid of doing so.

Being married – TRULY married; is to be IN LOVE…& to be HEALTHILY In Love is to never(!) be alone.

I can’t…or rather,   I don’t want to give this up!

I like the safety loneliness provides. I can hear my own voice & live without having to censor myself.

DEEP DOWN I knew I would lose [redacted] & [redacted].

In this regard I’m like my father.

My father is a careless D..R..I..F..T..E..R… with  no real roots.

He never revealed himself to my Mother

         sister

   or I.

He was always alone;    never had friends.

For the longest time I never understood it.

He was weird………..      

he still is.

But I get that lone part.

But I won’t hurt anyone like he did.

I’m not dissociative; I just like the----[emotional distance]----loneliness provides.

That’s why I can’t move forward with [redacted].

Because my loneliness is my weakness.

I can marry; I can be “his wife”

But deep down I can’t shake the truth.

I can’t be part of a whole when I am a standalone.

I enjoy the solitude; DEEP DOWN

I am afraid that it might work for a little bit.

Before that solitude creeps in & asks

“Can we be alone?”