The Heat of My Own Fire

I think I know

why I wanted you to love me

I wanted your love

to fill the hole

that I had carved in my own heart

I wanted your warmth

to burn me alive

to engulf me

to show me who I am

through hot disintegration

I wanted your touch

to desensitize me

And I wanted your breath

to breathe for me

Because I was scared

that if I did it on my own

that no one would like me

that no one would want me

that there wouldn’t even be a me

to love

You know me now

You know my mind

doesn’t plod along

it gallops

it zigs

where it should zag

It falls apart

into the most beautiful mess

I see that now

Because I see me now

I see

why I wanted you to love me

I thought

I needed to find love

outside of me

But all along

It waited for me

to stop my endless search

and just sit down

to the heat of my own fire

so that I could rest and warm my hands